Antonio Robbinstinez
"Motivational" Comedian
⚡ Is this a real seminar or just a comedy show?
A: Why not both? It's therapy, but with more insults. If you're here for a feel-good group hug, you're screwed. But if you want brutal truths and some laughs, welcome.
⚡ Will Antonio make me cry?
A: Depends. Are you fragile likea little flower? I'm not aiming for tears, but if you're overdue for a reality check, I'm happy to pick some roses from your garden and show you where the weeds are.
⚡ Is cereal soup?
A: If you're asking this, I'm genuinely worried about you.
⚡ What's Antonio's secret to life?
A: Not giving a f&*k about what people think, doing the hard stuff, and accepting that life is 90% BS you can't control. Oh, and snacks. Snacks help.
⚡ How can I be successful like you?
A: First, stop asking dumb questions Idiot. Second, get ready to fail a lot. Success is mostly persistence and laughing at your own fuck-ups. Third, pay for a seminar, and I'll insult you until you get better.
⚡ Will Antonio yell at me?
A: Yes. But only if you deserve it. And if you're asking this, you probably do.
⚡ Why are you like this?
A: Excellent question. No idea. But let's focus on why you're like this. We can unpack that at the seminar.
⚡ Can I use Antonio's advice to win arguments with my spouse?
A: Sure, if you enjoy sleeping on the couch. Look, my advice is about improving your life, not becoming the King or Queen of Pettyville. Use it wisely—or not, I don't care.
⚡ Is the color green even real?
A: ...What? Are you having an existential crisis? Come to seminar—we'll figure out what's going on in your stupid mind?
⚡ Will this seminar fix my life?
A: No, I'm not a magician. But it'll give you the tools to stop making dumb decisions like the ones you are making now. After that, your life might stop sucking or something.
⚡ Do you have any pets?
A: This has nothing to do with my seminars, but fine. Yes, I have a pet rock. It has little eyes and a very a very small wig on because it likes to be faboulous. It's very low-maintenance, just like I wish my audience was.
⚡ Why do bad things happen to good people?
A: Because life doesn't care if you're good or bad—it just happens. You're better off learning how to handle the BS when it comes than crying like a baby about it. That's where I come in.
⚡ Is Antonio a lizard person?
A: Not that I'm aware of. But if I were, I wouldn't tell you. Either way, I'm here to give you the truth, so does it matter?
⚡ What's the meaning of life?
A: Why are you asking me this? I'm just a guy trying to stop you from ruining your life.
⚡ Where is Antonio from?
A: Idaho
Still Confused? Good.
That Means You’re Ready
If any of this made you question your existence, then congrats, you need the seminar more than you thought. I’ll see you there.
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Have Your People Call My Person
My person is Jeff.
He’s overworked, underpaid, and handles all my nonsense.
thebigasshole@helloasshole.org
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